Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
