Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
