I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Randomize
