matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
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