This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
