oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
