What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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