Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I'm at about main and main street
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
