i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
