I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
