The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
