Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
