The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
