I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Randomize
