I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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