I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
