I'm so fucking centered right now
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
