i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
