Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
