my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
