Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
