At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
