Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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