I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
