I never want to see another naked old woman again.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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