It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
