She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
