Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
