Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
