You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Randomize
