I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
