I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
