i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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