I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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