I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
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