I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
You took a bar mat shot.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
