Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Randomize
