I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
