Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Randomize