I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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