peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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