Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Randomize
