After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
