In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
