I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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