I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
