Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
