I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Randomize
