I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
