It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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