I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Randomize
