I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
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