ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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